I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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