Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
