can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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