$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
