So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Randomize
