I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
