I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
