hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
