I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
