I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
