I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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