I just saw a hot homeless man
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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