My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
