I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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