There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
