My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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