Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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