Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do you have feelings for this penis?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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