Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
