My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
