why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
