i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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