Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
