tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
