Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
