I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
