mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
operation have a gay friend backfired
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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