jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Say something about gay babies.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
