if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
