sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
