Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
