my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
