Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
