funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
