I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
