i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
