OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
