Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
