The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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