Don't make out with my wife yet
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
