btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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