my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
