She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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