I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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