So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
