thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
