we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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