If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
