Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm sobbing to NWA
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
