Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
