my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
