i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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