fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
